The Adventures of Timerous Adventurus the Great (So far)

Please keep in mind that this was previously split into chapters and different parts, so at points it might seem a bit choppy. Some content may be questionable. If so, please report it.
Once upon a time, there was a magnificent rainbow castle, far larger than the eye could see. 'Twas made of magical rainbow bricks from the sorcerers cliffs, and it stood 500 miles into the Earths atmosphere and into space. In the Rainbow Castle there were many magnificent and fascinating creatures, everything from rainbow dragons to rainbow foxes!
One day, on one of his many journeys, Timerous Adventurous the Great spotted the Rainbow Castle from afar. "Wow," Timmy said in awe. The sight of the castle and its many magnificent rainbow creatures put him in a stupor for quite some time, until his burro kicked him in the kiester. "Ouch!" Timmy exclaimed in indignant pain. He kicked the small burro aside, mounted it, and began his journey to the Rainbow Castle.
One secret the castle withheld, however, was a dreadful one. Nobody who had ever entered the Rainbow Castle ever returned. In fact, the Rainbow creatures, appearing kind at first, were in fact carnivorous, and used the castle to lore in prey for their afternoon snack.
Timmy, unknowing, continued his journey to the Rainbow Castle. Finally, after two days of weary travel, he reached the castle. "Bloody!" he remarked at the sight of the withdrawn bridge. He approached the Rainbow waters of the Rainbow Castle's rainbow moat and exclaimed, "Is anyone here?", in his best North England accent.
"Aye," said a deep voice from within the castle. "Who art thou?"
"I am Timerous Adventurous the Great, and I come to explore the Soul of the Rainbow Castle!"
"Enter!" The drawbridge lowered. Timerous entered with caution, slightly frightened of the deep colorful voice. However, once he saw the contents of the Rainbow Castle, his fear left him. The magnificent halls had massive columns made of Rainbow candy cane, with fountains of the spectacular rainbow water he had seen coming in in the moat. Timerous saw the magnificent rainbow creatures he had heard so much about; they sparkled in the rainbow refracted light from the prisms that made up the skylights.
"Hello!" one remarked in a rather gay voice. "You're just in time for supper Timerous!"
"What's for supper?" Timerous asked, still in awe by these spectacular rainbow speaking creatures.
"YOU!" the creature screamed.
Suddenly, the doors slammed shut. The room turned dark, and all of the magnificent colors disappeared. The rainbow fountain rainbow water was not rainbow water at all, but really gasoline! The creature lit the gasoline fountain and the fountain turned into an industrial sized oven. The rainbow candy cane columns disintegrated to show cold, black stone columns, with several knives hanging down. The rainbow dragons and rainbow foxes weren't really rainbow at all, but real foxes and dragons!
Suddenly Timerous was frightened...
Timerous was in a fix now; everywhere he looked, the once inviting, jolly surroundings were turning bleak and unforgiving. Suddenly, everything was still. The fountain of fire casted long shadows from the large columns, illuminating dark shadows of creatures in the corners of the rooms. They did not want him to leave - that was clear to him now. But what wasn't clear was why...
"You are probably wondering why we have trapped you here Timerous," said the deep voice from the shadows he had heard upon entering. "Well the truth is, even though the Rainbow Castle is beautiful and mystic enough, there was never a food storage room built. For centuries, we have been bound here by the powerful wizard Fiddlesticks without any food to sustain our bodies. We've been forced to feast on the blood of the innocent and unknowing, Timerous, and that is why you are in this room with us now... I'm sorry Timerous," said the deep voice shamefully.
Timerous was terrified at this point. Why would they want to eat Timerous Adventurus the Great of all immortals? If they began to feast on him, they would surely continue to feast for the rest of eternity! He had to stop them, and he had to vanquish the deep voice from within!
"You'll never take me alive!" exclaimed Timerous, now drawing his sword from its scabbard.
"I beg to differ," the deep voice said calmly. "You aren't the first one to resist, and you CERTAINLY wont be the last!" he screamed like a banshee. "ATTACK MY BEASTS OF THE DARKNESS! FEAST!"
At his command the mysterious once rainbow beasts of the shadows crept forward, silently. The beasts appeared completely emaciated, and hungry for their first meal in surely centuries. "Oh bloody..." Timerous said under his breath. He had underestimated these Rainbow Creatures. "Now, with the power of the sword of Jesus and my own immortality, I will vanquish thee RAINBOW CASTLE!!!!!"
The beasts launched forward...
The beasts flew through the air like shadows across the floor. Oh bloody, Timerous thought. Suddenly, Timerous picked up the whistle hanging from his neck and blew it thrice. While he was waiting for it's effect, he brought his sword of Jesus to the sky. "HALLELUJAH!!!" Timerous screamed. Then he, in turn launched forward at the beasts.
He hacked and he sliced and he hacked and he sliced and he hacked and sliced some more at the beasts, with cleanly sheered heads flying about. Their blood was black, and when it made contact with the floor and walls it turned rainbow.
This wasn't the first time Timerous had used his sword, for he was an expert it swordsmanship. He once had to use it to kill the evil elves of Moscow back in 1789. But all of those dead elves had indeed paid off. Every swing of the sword was now a cleanly cut off head.
"Oh crap!" Timerous exclaimed! There is not time for remembering stuff! he thought to himself.
Suddenly, the little light from the skylight was now blocked out. The room was completely black now except for the fountain of fire. This distracted the beasts.
"Now it's game time you bloody wankers!" Timerous exclaimed.
Suddenly something large smashed through the skylight! It was... it was... El Burro, Timerous' sidekick and faithful donkey!
"Burro! I knew you would come!" Timerous exclaimed...
"Of course, Timerous! How could I leave my lover to die like this?" El Burro replied. By now, the walls were stained rainbow with the blood of beasts. El Burro saw this and the beasts and prepared for some kungfu combat! "You foolish beasts! You think you can defeat me in kungfu combat and my lover Timerous Adventurus the Great in battle?"
"Actually no," came the surprising reply from the deep voice from within the Rainbow Castle. "If we continue this nonsense then we will all drown in the blood of the beasts... literally. I have a proposition for you Timerous," said the deep voice.
"What is this proposition you speak of?" replied Timerous, confounded.
"The beasts of the Rainbow Castle will allow you to leave so long as you promise to find the wizard Lord Fiddlesticks and undo this curse upon the beasts. Otherwise, we will all drown in the blood of the beasts."
Timerous considered this generous offer. He was always up for another adventure no matter how dangerous. "Ok. I'll do it!" Timerous exclaimed, sliding his sword back into it's scabbard. He could never turn down an adventure.
"There is one small hitch, however," said the deep voice. "You see, the beasts are still hungry, and will not let you leave without a sacrifice to them to sustain them for the next few days... I'm afraid El Burro must stay."
El Burro was mortified. "No, Timerous, no no no no no! Don't let them do this! We're lovers, remember? Lovers!" El Burro cried.
"I'm sorry El Burro, but I must save these poor beasts... I'm sorry," Timerous said sadly. Then, "Deal!" he exclaimed, and ran out without looking back.
"NOOOO!!!!!" El Burro screeched as the beasts began tearing him apart into pieces and feasting on his innards.
The last Timerous ever heard from El Burro was a final scream of pain.
It was now night, Timerous observed upon exiting the Rainbow Castle...
"Oh Shiznit!" Timerous exclaimed, reaching the realization that he had no clue where Lord Fiddlesticks lived. However, Timerous remembered, he did know someone who knew where all of the magical creatures in the world resided. Why, for a bit of Jew gold, he could get the information from this 'little bird' and find Lord Fiddlesticks!
At once, Timerous embarked on the journey to the Nazi Leprechaun's safehouse. Ever since the fuzz nearly caught him dealing, this Leprechaun had to stay in hiding else he be captured.
After 25.4 days of travel, Timerous had reached the Nazi Leprechaun's safehouse.
"Hark!" Timerous exclaimed upon reaching the front door, cleverly disguised as a big metal pot.
"Who be there?" came a sharp squeaking voice from within said pot.
"Tis I, Timerous Adventurus the Great, wielding the Sword of Jesus! I have come to ask you a question regarding the location of a magical creature," Timerous explained.
"Enter..." said the Nazi Leprechaun, the top of the pot opening for him to enter.
Timerous was in a rather emo mood ever since arriving at the Nazi Leprechaun's house, for a Siren had been following him to the safehouse, all the while trying to seduce him into straying off his path. Timerous was fed up with her. But he managed to avoid said Siren.
Upon sliding down the hatch of the giant pot, Timerous was in awe with the ornate decor. Posters of Hitler hung from the walls, with pots of gold underneath them, for the Nazi Leprechauns were the guardians of all Nazi gold.
"Come in," said the Nazi Leprechaun, "but be warned: DO NOT TOUCH THE GOLD else I will slit your throat."
Timerous entered, slightly worried by the not so warm welcome, but soon forgot about it as they talked of their families and lives...
After their cheery conversation over a cup of tea, Timerous soon got to the point, "So, I need to know where the powerful wizard Lord Fiddlesticks resides. That bloody wanker laid a curse on the Rainbow Castle yonder," Timerous concluded.
"Aye, I know where he be," said the Nazi Leprechaun in his best Irish Nazi accent. "But it will cost ye," he continued. "Ye must first bring me a sword, a sword so powerful that it will smite all of its enemies with a single blow! Then I will give you your information."
Timerous was reluctant with this exchange, because there is only one sword ever created that has such power, the Sword of Jesus. After a few moments of thought, Timerous had come to a decision. "Deal," Timerous said, "but you must treat it with respect!"
"Aye, aye I hear ye!"
What the Nazi Leprechaun did not know, however, is that Timerous planned to reclaim the Sword of Jesus shortly after he freed the creatures of the Rainbow Castle.
"Ok," said the Nazi Leprechaun after receiving the Sword of Jesus in his cold, filthy, clawed hands. "The Lord Fiddlesticks that you speak of does not exist."
"WHAT?!?" Timerous exclaimed, "YOU BLOODY-"
"I'm kidding I'm kidding!" claimed the Nazi Leprechaun upon seeing that he was about to get owned. "Lord Fiddlesticks is at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where you registered as a magical creature, you being immortal."
"Don't joke like that with me again..." said Timerous, as he exited the giant metal pot on his journey to Hogwarts, and from there to Lord Fiddlesticks and the secret of the Rainbow Castle...
Ah, so here we are again with our good friend, Timerous Adventurus the Great. It took Timerous 16.7 days of constant journeying to reach Hogwarts, and Timerous was exhausted, even though he was immortal. He decided, then, to take a nap under a large tree in the Forbidden Forest before he entered into the castle itself.
Timerous then found a nice large oak tree, and soon dozed into a deep sleep. Here he had a dream:
He dreamed that he was flying in the skies on some flying machine that he had never thought could be possible. The flying machine dipped and curved and sliced through the air like a hot knife through someones leg. Off to the sides, he saw, were several other flying machines. They were made of metal, he saw, and using some wizardry or coal burner, were thrust through the air at high speeds. They had wing-like appendages to the sides with large metal objects hanging from them. They also had a narrow appendage similar to a musket barrel on the front of the flying machine. Perhaps this was some sort of defense for the flying machine?
Suddenly, numerous other flying machines came into sight on the horizon. The drivers of the flying machines Timerous was with suddenly started speaking in a strange language somewhat similar to English that he did not understand: "Command, foxtrot, several tango on radar. Requesting permission to engage, over."
"Roger, foxtrot, command, permission granted. Remember rules of engagement, over."
"Roger command, foxtrot out."
It was like random English words were thrown into irrelevant sentences; it was a mockery of the English language.
Suddenly, this ring leader gave commands to the other flying machine drivers, and all of the flying machines grouped together closely, so closely that Timerous was afraid they might collide into each other. But they maintained their distances.
The two groups of flying machines were now closing the distance between them. Suddenly, the metal objects hanging from the wings of the flying machine fell down into the sky, and were thrust even faster through the air than the flying machines themselves.
A large group of these were now coming from the other flying machine group as well. When both groups were in close proximity to the metal objects, both groups veered off and swerved madly.
Suddenly, several of these metal objects found the flying machines, and once these objects hit, there were large fiery flames! These weren't metal objects at all, but really weapons! Suddenly the sky was alight with flame and splattering blood and metal! Blood covered the windows of the ring leaders driving area! They were dropping to the Earth!

Timerous awoke with a start...
When Timerous awoke, he noticed that it was now night in the Forbidden Forest. "Oh Shizzle!" Timerous remarked. The Forbidden Forest was no place to be after dark, for several mysterious and dark creatures emerged at this time.
"I'll never get out of this forest just standing here," Timerous said to himself, rather annoyed. Thus, he began his journey out of the Forbidden Forrest. Timerous thought that this would be an easy task, for he had been taught wilderness survival by Julius Caesars legionaries back in the day. However, normal wilderness survival wasn't enough to survive in the Forbidden Forest, for the Forbidden Forest was a magical forest full of Forbidden secrets; to survive in the Forbidden Forest one must know Forbidden survival. What Timerous did not know was that the sun and the moon above the forest moved in circles instead of rising in the east and setting in the west. What he also didn't know was that large cavern-like pits were strewn across the ground, dug by massive spiders so they could capture and suck the blood of small children that ventured into the forest. thus, the Forbidden Forest was essentially a death trap of mammoth proportion!!!
After about an hour of walking, Timerous noticed that he was going in circles, thanks to the circling moon.
"Oh blimey!" Timerous exclaimed upon this realization. "At this rate I'm going I'll never make it-" Timerous was stopped in mid-sentence. He had heard a distinctive noise ahead of him, a noise similar to a rock falling into a pond in a ravine. After about a minute of waiting in silence, Timerous concluded that it must have been his imagination playing tricks on his mind in the darkness.
Timerous continued on, convinced by the little moonlight there was that it had indeed been his imagination, for there was no water in sight.
Suddenly, after about 20 feet of walking, the ground beneath Timerous began to tremble. Suddenly, the ground became a cascade of falling rocks and debris, continuing to fall into a seemingly endless pit of doom. Timerous was one of the debris. Using his catlike reflexes, Timerous sprang across the pit to a part of it where he was sure he wouldn't be crushed by the massive rocks entombing everything in their path.
After 10 seconds, it was all over. As the dust began to settle, Timerous was shocked to see that this had indeed been a trap, not a mine subsidence. The fact that this had been a trap hadn't scared him as much as the proportion of the trap. This pitfall trap was fifty feet deep in the ground, with a radius of fifteen feet. Huge telephone pole-like poles were lashed together, holding the uncollapsed ground on the other half of the pit. This pit was magnificently engineered, Timerous noted. Not many mammals could pull this one off.
But this place wasn't ordinary; this place was forbidden, and for a reason.
"I must find a way out of this bloody trap!" Timerous exclaimed in indignity. He was only slightly scuffed up from the fall, which he healed instantly using his potion from the druids of Gaul. Before Timerous could begin climbing out, however, he heard a strange sound that stopped him. It was a sound like no other sound he had heard before. It was a sound similar to that off a metallic object tapping a table, except repeated a thousand fold. "What ever could that sound be?" Timerous wondered in awe.
The sound grew louder, and louder, until suddenly it seemed to swarm around him. I better switch to night vision to see what that noise is, Timerous thought. As he switched his eyes to night vision, however, what he saw scared the bejeebers out of him!
"OH MEIN GOTT!!!!!!" Timerous screamed in his best German accent. Hundreds of huge spiders were encompassing him. Timerous began to tremble, for he was utterly horrified of spiders. However, he managed to overcome this fear to speak: "Spiders, I come in peace! Please bring me your leader so I may explain to him my situation!"
The spiders thought about his offer. They recently had had a large of meal of small children, so they were not hungry at the moment. But, as was the saying in spider history, you don't let your food get away, for you will miss it. After a three moments of thought, the spiders announced their decision. One of the spiders came forward. In a metallic, high pitched voice, it spoke: "You may see the leader. But, if the leader is not pleased with your purpose, then you will be my dinner!"
"Yea, thanks," Timerous said sarcastically. As he saw it, they had two options: Let him go in peace, or face eradication by Timerous Adventurus the Great, the immortal!
As Timerous thought this, a small petite spider began to run into the deep caves below the pit. After about ten minutes passed by, Timerous began hearing thunderous noises coming from the depths of the caves. Timerous was frightened; who knew what these foul creatures had in store for him.
Suddenly a spider of enormous proportions emerged from one of the cave openings. At first, Timerous was horrified. Soon, however, his confidence of iron took over, and he spoke to the mammoth spider.
"I have a proposition for you, Mr. , eh, what is your name?"
The spider seemed not to have heard a word he said and only responded with one word: "Achuta!" Upon the instant Timerous heard this he knew what language these spiders spoke: Huttese, the language their ancestor, Jabba the Hutt, spoke!
Timerous tried again, "Me hatta guta!"
"What is this proposition you speak of?" said the giant spider, rather interested in what Timerous had to say. Giant spiders were always looking for good deals.
Timerous thought for a New York second, and spoke, "If you supply me with weapons and a way into Hogwarts, school of witchcraft and wizardry, then, once I get what I want, you will have all of the children and professors in the castle to yourselves!"
"What is it that ye seek in Hogwarts?" the giant spider questioned, one eyebrow raised, "Because for centuries we have sought passage into that evil place and for centuries we have been stomped on. Do you think we enjoy living in this dark, dirty, wet forest all of the time?!? I haven't had a warm bubbly bath for years!!!" the giant spider exclaimed."Do you seriously think you, a mere human, can break their defenses of magnitude proportion?!?"
"Yes," Timerous said,"For I am Timerous Adventurus the Great!!!"
"Ok then..." the giant spider seemed doubtful of Timerous, but gave him the benefit of the doubt. "What is it that you seek from Hogwarts?"
"I seek to eliminate the powerful Lord Fiddlesticks, the Lord Fiddlesticks that besieged the Rainbow Castle with a hellish spell, making them suffer for centuries." Timerous continued, "Once I eliminate Lord Fiddlesticks, I will grant you your new castle, but first, you must trust me and give me weapons."
"What kind of weapons will you require?" questioned the giant spider calmly.
"May I see your armoury?" questioned Timerous, politely.
"Certainly," replied the giant spider. Timerous mounted the giant spider's back, and they descended deep in the the Spiders' Lair.
The stone of the passageways' floors were damp and cold. Timerous couldn't help but feel rather helpless as they descended deep within the caverns. At any point in time, these spiders could overwhelm him and eat the meat right off his bones. He was at the mercy of the Giant Spider and his terrorist spider regime.
However, soon the convoy came to a stop after twenty torturing minutes. "Open!" bellowed the Giant Spider King, known as Master Spider. Upon this command, Timerous heard the sound of a large boulder scraping against the ground and felt a rush of warm air greet his face through the black burlap bag that had been placed over his face before they'd descended.
"Thank God for gas furnaces," Master Spider said, thankfully. Upon this remark, the spiders all once again resumed their scurrying, shuffling walk, with the clicking of their feet against the stone floor sending a chill down Timerous' spine, a chill that not even the most comfy blanky in the world could suppress. "Does something bother you, Timerous?" questioned Master Spider, in a rather mocking tone.
"Not at all, Master Spider," replied Timerous, trying to show what was left of his fleeting courage. Obviously, from the look of Master Spider's face, even the little courage that remained in Timerous far outweighed the courage of any human, let alone a mere mortal. Timerous, however, being blind-folded, could not see this, and tried to retain his composure.
However, when the black bag was removed from his head, he was quickly at ease. Instead of seeing the meal room of the Spider's Lair as he had feared, he gazed at a room brightly lit by several torches with bright gunmetal glimmering from the high walls, illuminating the room even more. "Blimey..." muttered Timerous, in awe, forgetting for a moment that his hosts spoke Huttese, not British. Upon this realization, Timerous corrected himself, "Bagonka!"
Timerous was more than pleased with the lavish selection. Upon the walls hung pistols, machine guns, assault rifles, and other weapons of all shapes, colors, and sizes. Timerous was in a stupor for quite some time when Master Spider awoke him. "Timerous!" he bellowed.
Shocked, Timerous replied how he was trained to in the SAS. He grabbed a silver pistol from the wall, cocked it while rolling behind cover, and aimed at Master Spider's seventh eyeball. With this, Master Spider's minions began to ready themselves for a fight. After a moment, Timerous had realized what he had done. As quickly as he had reacted, Timerous lowered the pistol and began to apologize until he was interrupted by Master Spider. "Timerous, I am honored by your threats! Here in Spiders' Lair it is considered an honor to be threatened by fierce and courageous warriors!" Master Spider made a gesture towards the walls. "Take any weapons you desire!" yelled Master Spider, with a large genial grin on his face.
Timerous was rather perplexed, but accepted this gesture openly. He smiled back at Master Spider, and began placing weapons and ammunition in a cart supplied by the spider minions. One weapon, however, a black Barretta 9mm with stainless steel plating, he placed in his waistband. You never know what these spiders might do, he thought.
"Now," said Timerous, "I will need to use a LAN line to make a few phone calls."
"What for? I have supplied you with everything you could possibly need!" replied Master Spider, indignantly.
"Umm... Yes, uh, you have, but there are a few people I must add to my operation to improve the survivability of your me.. uh I mean spiders!"
"Very well, there is a LAN line in the intelligence room upstairs. I will have my personal Minion Guard escort you. You may also acquire maps of Hogwarts in said room," added Master Spider.
"Thank you, sir!" replied Timerous, as the black burlap back was replaced over his head and they began their journeys once more through the damp, winding passageways.
After fifteen additional minutes of decent, Timerous and the spiders finally arrived at the intelligence room. Timerous glanced at the clock- it was three am in Indiana. Perfect, he thought. Timerous found the phone, picked it up, and dialed a number he had etched in his memory.
After two rings or so, a jovial yet boring voice answered. "Why, hello!" answered the voice.
"Doctor, it's so nice to hear from you!" Timerous replied, really meaning it. "I have an offer for you. It's a very dangerous operation, but also very rewarding..." Timerous' voice trailed off.
"Why, what's that?" asked the Doctor.
"We are staging an assault on Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," replied Timerous, quite curtly.
A few moments of silence followed this statement. "I see..." replied the Doctor. "Nothing like this has ever been attempted before..."
"You see, Doctor, we need an expert marksman to eliminate the sentries. I will also be contacting a Special Forces team to disable the force fields."
"Hmm..." said the Doctor, calculating the risk in his head. "What's in it for me?"
"For you, Doctor, you will receive all of the potions and chemicals to your hears desire!" exclaimed Timerous.
On the other side of the line, the Doctor's face lit up with joy, his mouth agape.
"Deal!" he said quickly, not allowing time for the offer to be taken back.
"Good," Timerous replied, "A helicopter will arrive shortly to transport you to the airport. From there, you will travel on a C-130 to the Forbidden Forest, where you will parachute in. Understood?"
"Well, you could say, yes, yes understood," replied the Doctor.
"Bloody brilliant," Timerous said under his breath. Doctor Weathers was one of the best military men of all time, combining science, calculus, and military skill to make of combination of pure death. "Good, Doctor!" Timerous said. "I'll see you before sunrise, local time."
"Why, see you then!" exclaimed Weathers, still bubbly and jovial about the chemicals.
Timerous waited until Weathers hung up the phone before he dialed a second number. So far, so good, he thought.
After a few rings, a man with a crisp, deep voice answered. "Dean and Foster Insurance Agency, how may I help you?"
"Well you can start by cutting the bloody crap," replied Timerous calmly. Dean and Foster Insurance Agency was really codename for Delta Force, just in case somebody had a wrong number. Instead of hearing the name, Delta Force, they heard a name that would be easy to forget moments after hanging up the phone. It was proven by science that this name was most forgettable.
After a few moments, the man replied slowly. "Is this line secure?"
"Yes," said Timerous. "This is Timerous Adventurus the Great. I need an SF team to my location ASAP. How long will it be?"
"Just a moment please," answered the man, while cross-checking Timerous' identity. After confirming it, the man replied. "A team will be at our location within the hour."
"Excellent," said Timerous, satisfied with the results. "Timerous, out."