NEW EMAIL

Hey everyone, I'm exporting this blog to put it under my main email now that I'm not using it in school. http://tim-pa.blogspot.com/. Follow Yes! Also, save comments for that one please, as this will be deleted in a month or so.

Sick of It

Alright, sorry world, but I cannot stand the two tards (I'll use this terminology rather than their names). For some reason, a reason that I cannot understand AT ALL, everybody loves them! Is it because they're smart? Is it because they're witty?! Well, if I now live in a world that values only wit and intelligence, then kill me now. I don't know how it's not obvious to others how truly egocentric and narcissistic they really are. Is it because the world only values intelligence or an impression of intelligence that it decides to dig a deep hole in the sand and bury it's head as far under as possible so as not to see the truth? Or maybe the world just values their obvious wealth and that's why it turns a blind eye? After all, money talks, so why shouldn't this be the case here?

I'm going to stop with that part of the subject and focus on the other. I don't loathe the two tards for the reason that they are rich or smart; in fact, I actually really liked them before, until I discovered the real sides of them. Contrary to popular belief, through personal experience I have found that they are both immensely shallow and egocentric, buried up to their necks in their own crap that spews from their mouths like fire hydrants. The only way to justify this anger and frustration I'm feeling is to give an example of the blasphemy. I was on a field trip with one of the tards, and this is what he said to me. He told me about how he doesn't want to focus on his current girlfriend because he keeps thinking of how much better he can do. He then continued to state his HUGE list of standards, which includes but is not limited to beautiful, smart, and "knows how to please a man". Honestly, I'm a guy and most times I would laugh something like this off. When I did, he remained completely serious.
Now, this would've been bad enough, BUT to top it off he even went as far as to say that he expects all of the above as well as complete loyalty from the girl, but that SHE SHOULDN'T EXPECT IT TO BE RECIPROCATED. I didn't know what to say, so on the outside I just smiled awkwardly. But on the inside, I felt something boil up within me, and now a couple weeks later I've felt it again and finally realize that it was blind rage.
On the less severe side, the two tards talk about not what they would do if they were rich, but what they will do when they are rich and have their own corporations like wealth is ascribed to them (again, the ego-centrism). It makes me sick. Even if they had the most remote sense or effort of humbleness, I would be a little more sympathetic, but they they act, it's as if they have gone into the negative on that side. And what make's me possibly maddest of all is the knowledge that any insult I could throw at them to try to keep their ego from drifting further into deep space won't even have the slightest effect on them. The only time that they're EVER the least bit humble towards me is when they're asking me a question that they don't yet have the answer to on a homework assignment. And then, in a dazzling flash, they're back to knowing everything in every subject matter and being the hottest things in the universe.
Like I said previously, it's not their wealth or intelligence that sickens me. I don't think more highly or lowly of someone at all based on wealth, and I support intelligence. It's the center-of-the-universe mindset and the complete narcissism, the complete know-it-all-ism that totally gets to me. It's the total lack of respect for others, especially women, and then the elaborately painted mask they put on for society to try to convince them otherwise. The remind me of The Portrait of Dorian Gray. It's as if their souls are old, bitter, and crusted on a tableau, but still they retain their youth and innocent appearance on the exterior. Like I said before, sickening.
P.S.:
For a while people talking to me about it made me wonder why I wanted to be better than them so badly. I didn't know quite why I wanted to outdo them in every single area possible. But now, after writing this document, I think it's a good vs evil type thing. I think I actually view them as evil and sinful and so all of the good in me just wants to totally triumph over them. I think that's what it is.

I Don't Care

I know I haven't written in this blog very much lately, but I indeed have something to get off my chest, and I no longer care if people will judge me harshly for this because it is my own belief. And when you believe in something, nothing anyone can say will convince you otherwise.
So this belief pertains to religion and Christianity in particular. I believe in everything Christians do, except one piece of the bible in particular, which is supposedly the "most important" book according to all of my Christian friends. That book is Genesis. In my opinion, after reading the entire book of Genesis, none of it makes sense. I just can't believe that God created everything the way it is now in 6 days (took the 7th day to rest), which totally discredits every single scientific theory from plate tectonics to astrophysics to Darwin's theory of natural selection.
Over time, I've come to the conclusion that to believe blindly in only religion is ignorant, but also to believe only in science is also ignorant. You have to find your own medium that makes sense to you. So, for me, my medium as a Christian is to accept all other parts of the bible, which I do believe in, and to think of my own logical Genesis so to speak. Here is what I believe so far:
Eons ago, there was nothing but Heaven, God, and His angels. Eventually, after forever, God become discontent with nothing and so He took the tiniest fraction of His divine energy and through it into the empty space. And so, due to the laws of physics, this energy condensed from gravity and exploded, eventually creating stars, galaxies, and a universe. Over eons, this universe's energy essentially cooled down so much that it once again condensed and blew up, creating a whole new universe. This process continues on forever today.
While all this is happening within the universes, God sits in heaven similar to a programmer, constantly putting in new lines of code to shape our world, although each line of code takes an extremely long time to produce because God's time frames are much huger than ours on Earth. So, first, God wrote the codes to how energy condensed into matter. He then wrote codes to how that matter interacted to make atoms, and how those atoms made cells, how those cells made basic organisms, and it continued down the line all the way into today. Like I said before, His idea of time is much larger than ours, so what we may say is a million years, He may regard as a minute of typing. So this type of evolution would take extreme amounts of time in our sense, as it does in science.
I believe that with each time God wrote these codes for new universes time and time again, He refined them, attempting to perfect His creation. I'm not sure where we tie into this. A part of me thinks that we may just be another brick in the wall, but another part of me believes that we are actually His chosen people because He sent us Jesus Christ to die for our sins. I'm not positive in this area yet.
I apologize if this offends anybody, but at the same time I don't, because people should be accepting of anyone's beliefs and religions, and this belief isn't so radical and far off the mainstream as others. If you've read this, thank you.

Purdue Essay

Q160. Essay--Statement of 250-1,000 words. This essay and all information provided as part of the admission application process will be used for freshman scholarship consideration. Choose one:

1. Describe how a Purdue education will help you achieve your personal and/or professional goals.
2. Envision yourself near the end of a fulfilling, lifelong career and you just published your autobiography. Share the title and introduction.
3. Imagine being able to join a conversation between any two people, living or deceased. Describe that conversation. Identify the people and topic and express what you were able to contribute and/or what you learned.

Respond to only ONE of the above topics in the space provided to the right.

3. As I sat on the firm scratchy sofa awaiting my host and his guest, I marveled at the sense of power and authority that seemed to flow into my veins through the crisp cool atmosphere, as if an IV of splendor and magnificence were preventing me from losing consciousness. Indeed, I did have a good reason to feel light headed and somewhat queasy; it’s not every day that you meet some of the most powerful people to have walked the face of the planet.

                I was tracing the patterns of the ornate carpet with my eyes for the fifth time when at last a man of large build wearing a simple black suit, tie, and sunglasses entered the Oval Office to tell me that the meeting was relocated to the rear patio on account of the beautiful weather. As we left the bright majestic room and filed down the boxy corridors of the White House, I began to feel the same nervous anticipation that I had felt as a boy when about to ask a girl out on a date growing with each step.

                After what seemed long enough to have been hours yet too short for me to have regained my nerves, we reached the large French doors to the back center of the building, beyond which I could make out two figures sipping on drinks and sitting at a large, round, plastic picnic table.

                Upon hearing the opening of a door behind them, the two men turned their heads, rose from their seats, and headed my way. I greeted President Obama and former President George W. Bush very enthusiastically, shaking their hands so vigorously they must have thought I was an assassin trained in bone crushing martial arts.

                They led the way to the table where we all sat down and President Obama had the attendant fetch me a Coke. While we were waiting for him to return, however, the two presidents continued their previous conversation about the economic crisis. I sat, my attention fixed on the two, for some time in silence. President Obama claimed that the best way to lower unemployment rates and fix the economy was to stimulate the businesses, to give them a little ‘defib’ as he called it. He explained how the money would trickle down and how this method was foolproof. George, however, thoroughly disagreed. He immediately expressed his opinion by elaborating on all of the flaws of Trickle Down Economic theory. Bush explained that while the theory worked in a perfect world, this world was not perfect and so the theory couldn’t be completely applied.

                Although I’m a supporter of President Obama, I couldn’t help but agree with George. I noted briefly in my mind how he took a more logical approach to problems as the President took an ideological one. What made Obama different from other politicians, however, was that although he was an idealist, he did not let it hinder him when coming to a compromise with realists.

                While Bush was elaborating about perfect worlds and the flaws of theories, I interrupted him midsentence to stimulate a growing thought in my mind. I asked the two why we couldn’t just raise taxes a bit to solve the economic problem. I recalled how Roosevelt had done so in the Great Depression and how it had paved the way to a huge growth spurt in the national revenue. For Obama’s sake I also pointed out how the president before Roosevelt, President Hoover, had attempted to treat the broken economy with stimulus money and how it had only made the situation even worse. Both presidents at the table commended me for my knowledge of U.S. History, but Obama retorted, saying that the reason for the huge economic growth after the Great Depression resulted largely from disorder in Europe and East Asia, which boosted nationalism and made people more industrious on the home front.

                Both Bush and I agreed, but Bush claimed that even had the war not occurred, economic growth in America would’ve rocketed skyward anyway. As the two men talked on, I sat quiet for the majority of the rest of the afternoon, only taking in information as a computer would data streaming from the internet. Finally, towards the end of my visit, I compiled my mental data and spoke once more. I told the two that I saw a similarity with all of the methods we discussed, and that it was that none of them worked. They sat perplexed. I continued on despite their dumbfound faces by asking why we didn’t just try something new. Immediately they began insisting that there was nothing practical left to try and that the key lied in one of the methods that they had tried and failed with or dismissed many times before.

                On the silent ride home, I pondered everything that had happened that night and everything I’d heard. I had finally come to a conclusion by the time I arrived home. The American people have some very qualified and educated people holding office in their government. After immense thought, I concluded that although much education can bring much knowledge, it doesn’t necessarily bring wisdom. Many of the politicians in our government have a lot of knowledge to bring to the table, but that knowledge isn’t worth much if one doesn’t know how to make the most of it for the best possible outcome.

The only reason I ended it the way I did is because it asked what I contributed/ learned, and because I didn't contribute much in the dialogue (because I was just going with the flow when writing it), I decided to add a little lesson to it that I learned. I was also running out of words.

All In A Day's Work

Well I'm not quite sure where to begin. I guess I'll start from when I woke up, since technically that was the conscious beginning of my day. So, at approximately 7:30 A.M., I rose from my warm comfy bed to meet my chiming alarm clock with a solid fist. Actually, I didn't use my fist; as always, I placidly got up, stumbled across the room, and slid the switch to off.
The reason it's on the other side of the room is so I'm not tempted to just reach over, switch it off, and fall back to sleep. Logical, right? Well just because something is logical doesn't mean it works. I've developed a sort of subconscious method over the past couple years for dealing with the noisy nuisance, which basically consists of me rolling out of bed, silently walking to the alarm clock, turning around (I'm not sure which way, counter clockwise or clockwise, but I'm sure there's a specific direction I turn), and sliding back into bed. By the time I'm fully awake later in the morning, I can hardly remember turning the thing off.
Luckily, this morning I actually stayed out of my bed. Anyway, for the sake of time, I'll just cut to the chase. I mowed 3 lawns today in 6 hours, so that averages out to about 2 hours per lawn. Overall, I earned close $56.25, which isn't bad considering the amount of time it took to mow. Subtracting gas from that, I'd say I had a net profit of about $50 give or take. So overall it was a good day though exhausting.
I learned a couple key things as well:
1. I will never again, no matter how hot it is, wear denim shorts when mowing. Whenever I got to weedeating grass around rocky driveways or parking lots or even just the highway, the little fragments of rock and probably some small one's of glass would launch up at my legs like shrapnel from a bomb, with about the same effect to scale; my legs are now covered with little red scabs. Yeah, granted it probably sounds like it was pretty painful, and it was! I just sucked it up so I could finish the jobs, taking satisfaction in my resolution to never ever wear shorts again. From now on, it's jeans all the way.
2. The harder you work, the more your work is appreciated, especially if the boss is nearby. I was working on one of the lawns while the owner was in his house, checking the mail, and after he noticed I was working very hard he gave me an additional 5 dollars to the already generous pay of 30 dollars for the yard. He told me, "Go get yourself a drink." I'll be honest; I did not get a drink, namely because I need every cent I can get and I'm pretty tight most of the time. The gesture, however, was still greatly appreciated by yours truly.

Well that's basically all I really learned. I will note, though, that while I was on the second lawn the skies got pretty dark. In fact, a few droplets of rain tapped my knees while I was riding the mower, hastily trying to get the yard down before the buckets began falling. The rain never came. Miraculously, as I was finishing the mowing and getting to the weedeating, which I could do rain or shine, the clouds parted above and I was greeted by warm rays of sunlight.
Mowing the third yard was somewhat serene and peaceful. Although it required a lot of work, actually more intense work than the previous two lawns, it was kind of bliss. Half of the sky was blue and half was white with a tinge of gray to it. The clouds hung heavy in the atmosphere, seemingly filled with H2O but unable to drop it because they weren't unified enough. They hung in the sky like the heavens, with the sun casting shadows from an angle such that the clouds cast shadows on themselves. Despite the din of the mower, every time I did a sweep in the direction of the sun, I felt as if I were a lost soul returning to his homeland after a long journey; weary but calm, content, and at peace once again.
My next post will be of the essay I plan on submitting for admission to Purdue!

Another Blog

http://timpaustin.blogspot.com/ Another blog of mine! This one's devoted to art, music, and literature.

Untitled

To my followers:
Recently, and obviously, I haven't been on blogger too much; finishing up the last month or so of school while balancing leadership in scouts took all of my concentration to say the least. But now I shall finally quench your thirst for a new post. I apologize for leaving you hanging.

Anyway, life is treating me fairly well these days. I can't, however, get over the feeling that I'm being alienated by my friends. Granted, I can tell that I did purposefully push a few away whom I believed where bad for me in general (which I do regret). But for some reason it seems like my best friends are now slowly pushing me away. Honestly, I don't understand it, and frankly I don't care. I know that new friends eventually will be easy enough to come by, and that if those friends won't stick with me then they were never true friends to begin with. But still the thought and feeling disheartens me. Although this logical aspect of viewing things is almost like an escape for anyone, one can't help but think why or what did I do to deserve this? I can think of things I've done to deserve it, and although they don't directly relate to my friends, my past actions do relate in a sort of karmic way. Perhaps by pushing those away whom I had thought were bad for me instead of being there for them in confusing and troubling times, perhaps by not being the friend those friends needed I've brought this on myself. Now, you can probably tell by my way of thinking that I'm going to try to be a better friend, which is correct. But future actions and intentions, however, cannot erase nor suppress the memories of my past selfishness in both myself and the friend. I will continue to be held accountable for what I've done, no matter how insignificant it may seem. See, this is where I differ from a lot of people. Many people I know, including my parents, can simply close a door and never have any will to open it again. They try to tell me to do the same, but every time I attempt to sooner or later I can't help but think about what I left behind it in ruin and what I could've done to help. And now, like many other times, I'm going to start reopening some doors and try to salvage what pieces of friendship I can from the wreckage.
Not to sound egotistical or anything, but I honestly think that my conscience is much stronger than those of my peers. I've seen this time and time again with the most of them. It's a startling realization really. If only a small group of people and I in the school actually think twice before they do something stupid and if everything in their body tells them not to do it, then just think of how many people in the world are the same way. Maybe only 5 to 10 percent. That thought definitely makes the world feel smaller, and lonelier.

Katelyn, you're one of those people I've pushed away, and I'm sorry. Please accept this apology.

Prom Prom Prom!

Well, prom is tomorrow night, and I can say that I'm pretty excited for it. Although it's taken quite a bit of planning, string pulling, and effort in general, it seems like everything's finally falling together. I can only hope though that the night will go as planned. This basically means I hope it goes perfectly and I hope I don't screw it up! For me, this really isn't just prom. This isn't just going and hanging out with friends and having a good time in general. In fact, if it weren't for my other motives, I wouldn't really be interested in prom at all. This isn't just a night of celebration, food, and fun. It's something more. Now, I won't disclose the real reason I want to go to prom on Blogger, primarily because way too many people can see it. However, I will say that I plan on stealing something from somebody there, although I will leave the place with nothing more than with what I came.

Matisyahu: Late Night in Zion

A man is just a man, filled of faults and weakness
4 AM Jerusalem all alone and speechless,
Nighttime, nobody's home, roam streets in darkness,
I feel I'm just a man, flesh and bones, homeless.

I really like these lyrics. I'm pretty sure they main mood of this chorus of the song listed in the title of the blog is a lonesome mood. In my opinion, Matisyahu feels and is conveying a feeling of smallness and insignificance but modestly rather than through anger or sorrow.

Poetry

I thought this would be a good relaxing hobby, so I'm going to try to keep it up.

The sky so soft in the sky so high
As day slowly shifts to night
Moonlight comes alive as daylight dies
Oh how the moon shines ever so bright
Illuminating the ground with white
Adding frosting to the land

And I sit alone in the cold crisp air
Waiting for daylight to show again
So I can feel it's warmth, so fair
Lingering on my coarse white skin
Oh day please come soon again
For I am tired of false light

Until then I'll fight through the dim
Squinting attempting to stay on track
Even when things seem most grim
I'll keep an eye out for the black
Where I could fall and break my back
Let's hope until morning I will last.


Many double meanings.

Epiphany

So, just recently I had an epiphany, and along with that epiphany came a new awareness. First I will describe the epiphany, though. Sitting in my engineering class during fourth period yesterday, I suddenly realized that engineering was not what I wanted to do for a career. I realized that, although I was good at it, it wasn't really fulfilling to me and was in fact stressful. I know for a fact that it's stressful because I've worked on several engineering projects, both in and out of school, and there are so many little details you must get exactly right in order for a part to fit with another. In some cases, if it's not perfect, you might have to completely restart from the beginning. So, I have concluded that engineering is a stressful career for me, and it doesn't even give me a fulfilling feeling at all.
After that epiphany, I took my own interest inventory, thinking about what I like and what I'm somewhat good at. I concluded that I want to help people daily and make good money while I'm doing it. So, also after taking a career test online, I've decided that I want to be a neurological physician. Now, I'm sure any readers of this blog are thinking, Where in the world did this come from?, because previously I had talked about being a soldier and all of the different disciplines within the military. Here's the secret behind it all. Over the past six months, I have been toying with the idea of being a doctor, each time throwing it away just for it to resurface again and again. Also, over the past couple months came the awareness. The awareness was primarily about military life. Over the past couple months, I've been contemplating the consequences of military life, and I've finally accepted the fact that, if I'm in the military, my future children won't have a steady childhood at all and will grow up without seeing their father for half the time. If I ever have kids, which I hope to some day, I really don't want them to have to move constantly; I want them to have a steady, structured childhood, during which I can be by their side virtually every step of the way.
Now, that might seem a little distant, and it really is (at least I hope!). But still, no matter how distant those times may be, it still doesn't change the truth of the situation and what the future may hold for me and anyone in my life.

Long Long Ago in a Galaxy Far Far Away

I made this using rendering on Autodesk Inventor 2011.

Love and Lust

So I think I've truly realized the difference between the two through personal experience, although I wish I could've learned an easier way. Here is my philosophy from what I've learned.
I believe that both love and lust are very closely related. I think that to fall in lust is just as difficult as falling in love. Now, when I mean lust I don't just mean a crush. Just like when I say love I don't mean a crush either. I mean love, and there is no other word for it. Anyway, lust is just not the same as being attracted to someone. I think lust is built just like love; off the same foundation, essentially, but blossoming in a different way. From what I've learned, true lust occurs as a result of a series of patterns, just like love. I will attempt to describe love now in efforts to better be able to describe true lust.
Most love is slowly built up over time, through experiences with the person and just spending time with them. In cases where it isn't noticed at first, it will suddenly spring up and be realized. Love is very hard to break; almost impossibly hard for reasons unknown to most people.
I believe that true lust occurs in the same way. It builds up slowly over time through the same types of experiences and spending of time. The difference, however, is how it begins.

The first couple of weeks of the process is the big decider. From my experience, here is my hypothesis: If at the beginning communication is mainly nonverbal, consisting primarily of facial expression, gestures, etc., then the relationship may turn to lust. If the communication is primarily verbal and jovial, then it may be more likely to turn to love. That is just my hypothesis. Please comment on this about personal thoughts.

It's very easy to confuse true lust with love and to think you're in love when you're really in lust. Both feel extremely similar to the other, but like I said before there are still some minute differences. If you're in lust, there's more jealousy and fear, in my opinion. But if you love the person and they love you, and it's mainly platonic, then you don't necessarily worry as much if you argue; you worry about the person being hurt or sad, but you don't worry about them moving on to another person. And there is another similarity- both fears feel extremely similar. However, the same feelings of fear result from different causes.
Anyway, this topic is very confusing, but they are some of my views that I thought I would share. Please comment!

Greetings

Alright! So I've finally got the gears turning again and this train is rolling! And it's not a crazy train! In reference to my prior post, I am feeling rather successful these days once again. I'm working on my Eagle Project, and I'm actually starting to take a lot of initiative when it comes to it. I get up in the morning, do my chores, get some coffee, and get ready for the day to come so that there will be no hickups- although some hickups are natural and can't be helped (double entendre). I'm also keeping up with school and just things to be done around the property. Like today; a tarp canopy that we had had over the boat had totally blown off because of the wind, and half the frame was on the ground. So, in between things to do, I walked over and within a few minutes it was fixed and looking nice. One of the poles is broken though, so it probably won't stay like that for long- my father and I will have to get out to the shop and weld it back together sometime. I'm additionally working on a project that will help our entire household- a pneumatic aluminum can crusher. Basically, I'm making the blueprints for it whenever I find free time, which isn't very often. But when we do have it built, it will save us both time and strength. My dad often picks up cans wherever he can find them and from whomever will give us some, and then hands them over to my sister and I to be smashed. One by one, we put them in the manual crusher and sometimes crush for hours. So, obviously, we'll definitely find the creation useful. Anyway, I really should get going and get to my homework, because it's 8 o'clock on a Sunday night and I haven't even started! Just goes to show how busy I am these days.

I tried, and I failed... I guess some things are just out of our control and can't be helped...

Haters

Haters. You gotta love them; you can't hate them, because if you do, what does that make you? Random thought.

An Additional Post

Ok, I can't help but blog about this. I'm rather confused about this once again, and I have been ever since it happened on Halloween. So I hadn't talked to this girl for months; she was a very nice girl, just it seemed like she'd changed from a person I really liked and admired to someone else. Sometime in October, she texted me though, saying she missed me, and I honestly missed her too. I knew my friend had an upcoming Halloween party, so I asked to see if she wanted to go with me, and she did. So, in the evening on Halloween we picked her up and drove to the friend's party. For the first ten or so minutes we were there we didn't talk much because it had been so long since we had last hung out or had a conversation together. Finally, we started talking and I realized she hadn't really changed much. Inside, she was still the same girl I knew all along.
So pretty much the entire night, which was about 4 or 5 hours, we stuck together, talking virtually the entire time to each other alone and staying away from the crowd. Then about an hour or so before we had to leave, we both became very tired. So we sat on this couch in a room beside the main party area that had music and she leaned against my shoulder. I put my arm around her, and we pretty much spoke silently on and off until we had to go.
That night was truly amazing to me. First, I discovered that she really is the same person I had always known, and second, we pretty much kind of clicked. Just what goes up, must come down. Later in the week I asked her if she had felt something there, and I don't remember her answer. I'm pretty sure it was a yes, but there were strings attached somehow, so I didn't press it further. And then, as quickly as it had happened, it ended. We ceased talking to each other; I don't think I've talked to her since, which is sad. I've always liked her, secretly and/or openly, and she's told me that she liked me for at least some period of time in the past.
What really bothers me though is I really still don't know the truth about that night. I don't know whether it was just superficial or something deeper, because we'd been friends ever since I came to Indiana two years ago. If it was something deeper, I have no idea whether it was mutual or not. Just not knowing is enough to make me wonder still to this day.

Success

Success. What defines it? Is it measurable based upon tangible accomplishments, or is it really based on one's level of self satisfaction and happiness? Who decides whether one is successful or not? Is it the person alone, or is it society as a whole. If it's society that decides who is or is not successful, then it is most likely based upon visible accomplishments for the good of the society. But, if it's the person or the person's close peers who decide the degree of success, then it is usually based on the person's level of confidence and self satisfaction. Success is such a subjective term that it isn't even funny.
As for me, I really don't feel too successful, which the theory above matches very well. To outsiders in society, they see good grades and good behavior and automatically often deem me successful. But to me, although I think I am successful academically, I really don't feel too successful personally. This could be due to a number of reasons- internal conflict due to my social life mainly though. So, overall, I have determined through personal experience and theory that success is unmeasurable; it is only with true self satisfaction and internal peace that one can be successful. There are only two degrees of success: successful, or not successful, and both are truly determined by one's self.

Quotes

This is a somewhat random post, just I really need to share and discuss a few quotes from songs:

"It's amazing that I made it through the maze that I was in,
Lord forgive me, I never would've made it without sin."

- Jay-Z

At the end of this quote, Jay-Z puts emphasis on the word sin and starts at a normal volume and tapers to a lower volume. Whenever I listen to it, I can truly hear the pay in his voice there, and from that I can derive that he really wants and strives for forgiveness for the things he did in his youth, things that he believes he had to do to survive. Therefore, this is a very powerful quote.

"Hey, may the best of your todays, be the worst of your tomorrows... But we ain't even thinking that far, you know what I mean?"

- Jay-Z

Another quote by Jay-Z, except this one isn't as powerful per say. This is mainly simply a wise thought at the beginning of a song. I think it means that while things feel right or good on impulse, they may come back to haunt you.

Econ

I am currently sitting in my Econ class extremely bored. While the class itself is fairly boring alone because of the subject, today is especially boring because we're really not doing anything. We had stuff to do online, but it was extremely quick. So to pass the time I'm listening to music and blogging here.
Last night I had a crazy dream! So a friend and I were walking in this school/mall place with an inside courtyard, which was about 20 feet by 15 feet and had grass, shrubs, and small trees. The first time we walked through everything was fine, and I was like, "Oh this is a pretty cool place." But the second time I walked back through on the way to a staircase, I was horrified. There were tons of dead gray rats lying down inside of it, some in small piles, and they all looked like they had somehow been smashed in the middle a bit. They weren't bloody or anything though. This just encouraged my friend and I to hurry up the steps and get to the door. We had a key to unlock it for some reason, and when we did and were about to open it, we heard a voice, "Hey." The rapper, Eminem, was standing in the middle of the courtyard, looking up at us at the door and wearing a black ribbed tank top. He then said, "I need to get out of here!" Suddenly, my friend told me, "Throw the key! Throw the key! Come on!" I weakly tossed the key into the shrubs of the courtyard and attempted to run through the open door when, quick as lightening, Eminem was up the steps and coming at us.
I then woke up. It was an extremely weird dream, and it was the first time a celebrity ever appeared.

You Can't Be The Best If You're Dead

Ok, so upon reading this blog's title, you probably thought, "Wow, that's somewhat disturbing," haha. But before you draw conclusions, pay attention to this thought process that led me to said thought. So, I was researching online about career opportunities in the military because I've been really conflicted lately about which one to pursue; I knew I wanted to be in the action, like in Infantry, but I could not decide whether to go to college and become an officer with better pay or to simply enlist, go through basic training and advanced individual training, and be in right then and there with lesser pay and rank. I apologize for the previous digressions and the upcoming one, but they are necessary.
Now, you're probably wondering why on Earth someone would want to enlist in the military and risk their life when they could essentially go to college for free and still do that job, except a little more safely. There is, however, a reasonable answer. The reason I was strongly considering enlisting was because I felt deep down that, by enlisting and being a private for a few years, I could better understand what a good leader in the military was and how to become one. I also really wanted to experience basic training, but that's beside the point. I felt that, if I enlisted first, I would become a better leader down the road by being led first. However, after researching the training programs for Army officer, I felt confident that they would prepare me enough to lead soldiers in a war zone as some type of combat operations officer. In other words, I would be a Lieutenant and would lead combat troops into a fight. Plus, the trainings to be an officer also seem like fun.
So, upon this realization, I decided that I would be an officer in the Army, as I had often times decided on before. The next step was to decide exactly what I wanted to do as an officer. Officers in the Army can be parts of several main branches, so I had to decide which one best fit me. Over the years, I've developed a sort of perfectionist personality; in better, more fitting terms, I strive for excellence. So, in the military as in any other thing I attempt, I want to be the best of the best if at all possible. I also want to actually be in the bulk of the war and in the action, for reasons I don't understand. This is my main reason, and it very simple; it hasn't changed at all for years: I want to lead men into battle. It's as simple as that.

Infantry

I compared these preferences with the different branches of the Army, and I came out with three possible careers that I might want to undertake. They are Infantry Officer, Military Intelligence Officer, and Special Forces Officer. After finding these main careers that I preferred, I put them in order of greatest to least preference and they came out like so:

Military Intelligence

1. Special Forces Officer
2. Infantry Officer
3. MI Officer

Special Forces

I have pretty much decided that I really want to be a special forces officer for many reasons. For one, your tasks that you have to accomplish can vary greatly, and I don't want to be doing the same thing every day. Also, there's a good chance I would be doing field work over 50% of the time, and it would most likely be physical and I would most likely lead a small group of men, which I would really prefer.

Airborne

Rangers

Anyway, back to the title. I knew I wanted to be a Special Forces Officer, so I started thinking about the different challenges that I would be faced with along the way. Along the road to becoming one, I would have to go through a series of potentially dangerous trainings, including jumping out of perfectly good airplanes, repelling from helicopters, climbing precipices, and having an actual painful interrogation. I also knew that during different missions, there would be a high risk of me being injured or possibly killed. So, with all of this in mind, I concluded that I will have to keep a cool, calm, reasonable mind if I want to come out of any of it alive. Although I want to be the best of the best by being a Special Forces Officer, I would have to keep myself in check to prevent my head from getting to big and doing something stupid. So, I came upon the title of this blog in my head. If I try too hard to be the best and end up doing something ridiculous and stupid, I could very well die. And, if you're dead, you can't be the best now can you? So that's essentially how that thought crossed through my head. Basically I'm going to try to remember the phrase to remind myself to stay calm and keep common sense in my thought processes.
I could've told you all how I've been lately, and the Ravens Steelers game, and a plethora of other things, just all of them are pretty much trivial to me right now compared to this. Don't worry, though, y'all will get more posts soon =).